Action 52 for Sega Genesis - The Odds

Don't play this game.

Yep, we're reviewing Action 52 for the Genesis.  My article is actually more depressing than funny, as it reads like it was written by someone who hates all life, but that's Action 52 for you.  This is one game where it cannot be overstated how unfun it is.

My review is a lot shorter and crappier than GZ's because I don't have the youthful energy of a 25 year old any more, and also because A52 is mind-numbingly awful.  The worst part is, the Genesis version is about a hundred times better than the NES version.  How?  How is it so bad?  I just

	Bonkers: Ball goes up and down.  Hit a rectangle that's the same color as the ball, rectangle goes away.  Not bad but there are better versions.
	Dyno Tennis: Two players only.  It's tennis.  It's bad.
	Star Ball: Pinball.  The frame rate is incredibly high.  It almost looks weird compared to most Genesis games how smooth it is.  It's also buggy as hell, so expect your ball to fall through the paddles whenever it wants to.
	Daytona: Pole Position but so terrible it looks like a joke.
	Sketch: It's...sketch.  Press A to change color, B to change width, and C to draw.  You can't really draw anything that doesn't suck on account of being restricted to 8 directions and, as far as I could tell, no erasing.
	Haunted Hills: Standard Halloween-themed platformer which is also terrible.  One hit kills, terrible hitboxing, and missing animations abound.
	Cheetahmen: It's like Haunted Hills but really not any different.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it's just a sprite swap/level pack.  You die in one hit, enemies just kind of vanish when you kill them, and the screen doens't scroll until you're like ten pixels within the border.  It's bad.  Worse than the NES one even.  It doesn't even have an intro wherein they will fight for you.
	Depth Charge: You're a boat.  Left and right go left and right.  Press C to release the DEPTH CHARGES.  Subs will fire vertical missiles at you which one hit you.  It sucks.
	Alien Attack: Eight direction shooter on the moon.  Standard A52 rules apply, which are one hit kills, no checkpoints, and enemies have no death animations.  Terrible.
	Sharks: You're a diver with an unlimited speargun.  Shoot sharks with your spears.  You can only shoot left and right, which is good because the sharks only go left and right.  Nothing is fun about this.
	Intruder: It's Berzerk but you can scroll to the right and you move so slowly it makes you want to kill yourself.  Touch any wall and die, because that's fun.
	Freeway: Frogger for idiots.  Go to the top, collect what I assume is a newspaper, go back down, place it on the grass, repeat.  If you get hit the dog kind of loses all cellular cohesion which is gross.
	Ninja: A52 Rules Platformer but you have ninja stars.  If you just hold right nothing ever attacks you so you can just kind of walk to victory.  You can also jump about thirty feet in the air if you want to.
	Dauntless: Horrible shoot em up.  There's really nothing to say it's so generic.  Points for the dual layer clouds though, even though they make it look like you're flying through Smogton.
	Spidey: You're a spider who has to eat all the nondescript bugs caught in your web, which you do so at mach speed.  Your web is also crawling with enemy spiders and centipedes who don't actually eat the bugs.  They seem to be there purely out of malice.  Touch them and die.
	Skater: You are a skater boy.  She said see you later boy.  You wasn't good enoguh forghiegjrhu.  I mean this game is crap.
	Star Evil: Standard top down shmup.  It's like Dauntless but in space.  No powerups, no nothing.
	Shootout: It's a shooting gallery.  You can move left and right and you press C to shoot.  I don't know if there's a goal or what.  If you shoot one of the animals it makes an irrelevant noise and vanishes.  The end.
	Speed Boat: Top down shmup but you don't shoot or do anything but avoid rocks, logs, and other speed boatorists.  I left it running while I typed that previous sentence and I beat the level, so that's how well this piece of crap was made.
	G Fighter: Dauntless in space but literally this time.
	Norman: You control Norman the Tank.  Norman is the worst tank in the world.  If he hits anything, even a person, he explodes.  His shells are also loaded with acid that melts people from the head down.  This game is not good.
	Magic Bean: You're climbing the biggest beanstalk in the universe as God throws a bunch of garbage at you.  The screen auto-scrolls down.  Your job is to not get hit by the garbage.  So far Bonkers is the only game that isn't horrendous.
	Paratrooper: Single screen Berzerk where you have to collect computer chips or something.  This time the walls don't kill you but they do make you go "UHH" like you got hit in the chest with a baseball.
	Sharpshooter: Uh.  It's like Shootout, only the things randomly spawn and then start moving around via Brownian motion.  If you get hit by one of the things you die, although you kind of have to try to make that happen.  It has really intense, unpleasant music and looks like a drug hallucination.
	Black Hole: Norman but you're "in space" and the enemies all come from above and move downwards.  You can only shoot up.  I'm trying very hard to say anything else about this game.  It's godawful.  How about that.
	1st Video Game: Remember when people thought Pong was the first game ever made?  Well, this was made during that time.  This game is Pong.

On to Part 2!